Thoughts From The Past

Dear Cousin,

I simply must to tell you of recent events. Honestly, I am completely dumbfounded as to what some men will actually ingest without thinking. I mean really, who else but our dear Uncle Edward would even think to travel all the way to Scotland for a joust and proceed to fill his belly with three large portions of haggis and beans the very morning of the competition? I dare say, he is lucky Aunt Ruth, the daft old bat, did not request an immediate beheading. I am certain he echoed all about the countryside, for pities sake.

I should ad, Uncle Edward lost by a nose. The steed got wind of him and ran, posthaste. The other horrified horses quickly followed.

For Now, Cousin Gwen.

Copyright 2012, by Suzie Ashby.

Thought For The Day…..

When I get tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop, I just go out and buy another pair of shoes.

Now if I could just find a man with large closets…..

Thought For The Day…..


     Ravens are so intelligent, they really are fascinating. I have seen some huge ravens up here in the mountains, ripping into garbage bags and carrion to feed. However, those poor city dwelling ravens are hanging out at fast food restaurants begging for scraps. I love fast food so much it is tempting to hang out with them.

     I can’t help but wonder what Poe would have said.

 
Copyright 2012, by Suzie Ashby.

Notes to Self:

A view into Double Negative. From the North en...

A view into Double Negative. From the North end looking south. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Never trust anything you do not see with your own eyes. In other words, don’t get caught up in someone elses ca-ca. (Yes, I know that is a double negative up there…..)

Men should NEVER be mysterious. It only sets off the alarm on my internal Creep-O-Meter.

On the other hand, they should never be too foreward or presumptuous either. It helps if they come with plenty of gifts in hand and don’t say a word.

 

Copyright 2012, by Suzie Ashby.

The Optometrist and The Freak

The Optometrist

Image via Wikipedia

The last time I visited my optometrist may be the last time ever.  The man is far too intelligent for his own good.  First of all, he has been treating me for ‘dry eye‘ with Restasis.  He proceeds to tell me that ‘dry eye’ is a predominantly male condition, due to having too many male hormones.  Then he tells me to eat edamame, because it is a source of natural estrogen.  Of course I had to ask him what the heck edamame is, as if I was not already embarrassed enough.  Shelled soybeans, if he is so smart how could he not know that I live on all things sugary sweet?

Then he takes his amazing mind a step further and informs me that in order for my specific brand of Fish Oil capsules are so cheap, I have to eat healthy fats with them in order for my body to absorb them.  I’ve gained five pounds just eating nuts.  It did not stop there, if I take them three times a day with a healthy fat my skin wont age as fast.  The torture did not stop there, oh no.

  

He proceeds to tell me that there was a straight line of corneal damage going across the bottom of both corneas.  He drew a nice little picture to illustrate it.  “The only thing that causes this type of damage is sleeping with your eyes open.”

     “What, are you nuts?”

He actually was very serious. and even put me on steroid eye drops for a while, along with an eye gel I have to use every night, forever.  It is like looking through blobs of vaseline, but it actually feels pretty good.  He said I probably don’t do this all the time, but often enough.

The thing is, way back during my first marriage, my ex husband told me one morning that I really creeped him out.  He said I was laying there snoring like a freight train with my eyes wide open.  A couple of years later my youngest son told me the same thing.  I really do hate having to tell men when they are right.  They get all giddy and excited and think they can leap over tall buildings thinking they are not just any mere mortal.

To top it all off my new glasses ended up costing over $600.00, for the cheapest model.  This cuts in to my ice cream budget.  Not to worry, it won’t slow down my ice cream habbit.  So, I am officially a freak of nature and I don’t mind a bit.  I think I’ll just go eat some more cake, and wash it down with a diet Pepsi.

Copyright 2011, by Suzie Ashby.  Photo Copyright 2011,
by Suzie Ashby, from Family Photographs. 

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